I feel like a prisoner in the house..

Your worry and your attention to me is a huge burden on me.. So much so on some days I just wish to move out.
Dealing with myself is bad enough without having the additional load of managing your worry..

I need space.. And you are not giving it to me..
I wish not to think that the only way to get breathing air is for me to leave this place...

Musings

People don't care what you know
Until they know that you care..

Reflections of a The mind ( part 1)

It's just a matter of what you want, or is it?
I used to believe that it's vital to any success that you know exactly what you want n work hard to get it.. This formula has served me well throughout my educational years, providing me with rewards that match or exceed, occasionally, my efforts put in.

That, however, all changed when I started working. I saw and realized that efforts do not necessarily equal rewards. Efforts do still equal results, but results don't necessarily translate onto rewards. There are people who climb the ranks seemingly effortlessly.. They prob have made alot of contributions behind the scenes, if you believe your superior or boss for that matter is fair.

Things are not just what you see, there is another side, or a few sides even, to it. I used to hav my doubts and reservations about 'the system'..resulting in many hours of unhappiness and dis-satisfaction, which, looking back now, is probably a necessary process of learning and growing up.

Thrown into a situation, how do you deal with it?
Given an obstacle, do u view it an opportunity or a
Stumbling block?
Faced with a difficult behavior/personality, do you succumb, negotiate or shut off, and how would you so it?

Ultimately, knowing what you know may not be enough to get you through, but it's an important starting point.

Heavens help those who help themselves, or so they say.
I suppose it's true.. And if I truly believe in that, i need to depend on myself now.. Happiness, I realize, lasts briefly only.. You have to find your own 'high', a very wise senior told me yest.
That is something relatively difficult for me to do at the moment.. Not bcos I'm lazy, but bcos I
Just plain exhausted.
Give me a bed anytime n I can prob fall asleep instantly.. Statement proven earlier at work when I laid on the plinth and dozed off for 15 mins. This coming from a person who has difficulty sleeping anywhere outside her own home and bee, is nothing short of a miracle..

Choices we make in life...

If I don't stop what I'm doing to myself, I think I ll die...

Pls find the strength..

Eat, Pray, Love

What a week.

Lost my voice completely for 4 days.. Went on mc for 4 days bcos there is simply no voice to see pts with.. Have nv been so bored in my life before.. This must be what they called the silent torture..

But I've recovered abt 70% of myvoice.. But we shall see how a day of work will do to it .. Lol

Last week I've been deAlt with more surprises other than waking up one morn without my voice.. Having 2 pple showing affection for you all in the same week is a tad too much for me..firstly it's the last thing I'm expecting, secondly I'm made up my mind to stay free of matters of the heart indefinitely.. Or wat they usually say in the corporate world :" until further notice...."
Both are awesome pple with great hearts.. One Ive known for years and the other I wud like to know better.. as friends..for now..

With so much time to spare during my mc, it would be a lie if I said I nv thought of this matters... But my mind n heart is nothing but a tangled mess, so I give up. I m right. I'm not ready for anything.. I need to love myself first before I can love anyone.. And even then, I may still prefer the single life.. Less complications.. Less heartache.. Less issues..

Looking forward to seeing my pts!! :)

48 hours of silence

I survived 48 hrs of silence.. Ok it's not complete silence since I did talk to pple here n there but it was as close to silence I ve ever tried before... N today the doc ordered another 48 hrs of silence for me.. Saying my recovery is too slow.. Regained abt 20% of my voice this morn :(( but now it's slightly better.. I think got abt 30-40% ba.. But tats in terms of strength.. Sound quality still leaves much To be Desired.. Still vv hoarse n coArse .. Hmm.. But I'm really fortunate to have minimal pain in my throat.. So thankful! Neither do I have fever or much Phelgm or running nose..cardinal signs of flu.. phew..

But staying at home is so boring!! ESP when I'm feel fine except for talking.. So I sneaked out today to have my hair cut n a faciAl too.. Hee wah now my face so painful n red.. The therapist squeezed so many Pimples tat I look like a red Pineapple.. Eh the description is abit funny but nvm.. I'm under the influence of cough syrup which seriously is like morphine!!!! My god it makes me so drowsy I think I dun really wan to b under the influence of morphine ever..hmmm..

Ahh the weekend is almost here.. So happy! :) I just hoPE my voice returns soon... Pls pls pls..

Can't believe I cried.. When he said that point the tears just came rolling down.. Without sounds nor noise, it's like a silent waterfall...

I'm overwhelmed by the teachings he shared tonight.. I alwAys knew he was good, just nv had the chance to see or hear him teach personally..
I must put to Practice wat he shared today ... I promise to devote half hr to N hr daily to self reading n reflection..

We must learn to love ourselves.. You can avoid everyone but you cannot avoid yourself.. It's a person you hav to be with 24 hrs a day, 366 days a year...

He said many many things, dished out many many thought-provoking advice..words I can only hope I ll be able to rem for the rest of my life..
But remembering is not enough.. You nd to believe and constantly work to achieve it.. To practise it..

My fav quotes:
'compassion and a smile are the best makeup anyone can have'

'wealth, health, love and happiness. Which is the most important thing in life?
Love. When you have love, everything else will follow..' And this love refers to love for family, friends, partner, strangers and yes, even enemies...

PTC duty this wk ..

For those who are unfamiliar with the term PTC, it means a special shift comprising of half day normal shift n half day on-call.. To b honest, I quite like the shift..for a couple of reasons.. Firstly, I get to wake up late..secondly, I get to miss the mad morning rush n congestion at our trystybpublic transport system.. Thirdly, I'm spared from the mad morning rush at work (fighting for gym space, case notes from other health professionals etc etc).. The only disadvantage is that it further reduces what ever limited social life I'd.. Haha.. Oh and how can I forget, all those annoying calls from a&e.. Seeing pts are fine, I'm more than happy to do that, educate them on crutches, stairs, elevation etc etc.. It's the mess, disorganisation & unaccountability (everyone keeps saying that's not my PT, I dunno, not done by me, u have to ask someone else!!!!!!)) that drives me up the wall.. Just tonight they made me so mad that I wanted to strangle someone!!! N I almost made a huge blunder, to add salt to injury.. Thank god heavens must have been shining on me n Pradeep came to my rescue at the right moment.. Otherwise I'm going to have hell for the next 2 weeks... Phew.

Tomorrow is the last ptc duty.. Pray for things to go smoothly without a hitch.. Knee pain is starting to play up again today.. Hope it ll get better tmr.. Otherwise have to cancel my afterwork plans le... :(

Jia you jia you!!!

Once again, my eyes remain p wide open as I lay on my begueoning bed, pondering over what has been, should have been and what will be... Suddenly my fren's wise words rang loud n clear in my head like a school bell announcing recess. "you think too much.."

What r u doing up at 340am?? It's not like the world is waiting for u to save japan..
Dunno wats eating me away..

Tired but can't sleep...this has got to b the most dreaded nightmare of all patients..

Ate somuch when I got home just now.. Nuts, jelly, shakeima, jap seaweed.. Even I scare myself at my sheer gluttony... :)

There r so many things I wish to share yet I simply dunno where to start..

Mood was in the dumps lately..everything in my world had seemed to be crumbling down, albeit all due to my doing.. Depressed? I think I might have been alittle even..although Im sure I would hesitate to admit openly..
However, I believe I might hit rock bottom and am slowly but surely beginning my resurfacing process..

Its doing me good to go out and socialise.. All those late nights at work n moping at home were stumbling blocks that I can surely do without..

Stay positive.. Everything ll b alright...

Greed

I've become greedy.. I think that's why im not happy with my life.. I want this. I want that. Why can't I have this？ why cant I have that?
Why is this happening? Why is that not happening?

For my sake n my future, I have to change my thinking.. I ll not b given a second chance again. This is a wake up call..

This is my wake up call.

Goodbye Feb, Welcome March

Its official.. im going to come down to outpatients on 16 may. 2.5 more months. One full month after the official rotation on 12 april. And im still going to be working in ips ortho for 6 months until the next rotation in oct. (Key word: at least until the nexxt rotation. Which means not confirmed that i will definitely be rotated out completely in oct. Everything depends on manpower distribution.)

Im happy that im finally coming down soon, not to mention the 0.5 month discount ive been given (was supposed to fulfil 6 months in ips). lol. No, there is no sarcasm intended. -.-

Everything happens for a reason, isnt that what i always tell my friends? I must believe in what i say and preach.

Be grateful.

Boss told me I'll be going down to outpatients in mid may but still work in inpatients for sat.. If that's wat they wish, so be it..I'm tired of fighting..I just want to see my pts, make them better, give my parents a gd life..tAts all I ask for.. Sone things r just not worth it..

Working tmr..pls let it be a gd day!! Friday was super crazy.. 1person covered 2 pples load! Crazy!!

Grievances.. I've plenty related to work.. But Im going to do what they have advised me to..keep a low profile..hence I'm just going to...
Tolerate..
Tolerate..
And tolerate..

3 more days...

Counting down

4 more dAys! I really can't wait! Finalizing my accomodation, travel plans, car rental, itinenary over the course of the last few days only intensifies the anticipation.. To be honest, I'm actually quite surprised by how much I misses Perth.. Not as much as sg of cos and not of the same things..but the longing is very real..
4 more days!

Im so completely out of touch with my work..totally forgot that cny eve wud be a half day..I thought bcos we r already getting 2 days off, sO we wun b given half day on eve too.. Haha.. All my juniors laughed at my silliness!
Gosh, I've only been away for 11 months and Ive forgotten it?? Says alot about my memory, doesn't it?

We are only 1 day away from a new year.. Rabbit year this yr it is.. I will be 27 this yr.. Very soon I ll hit the big 3..that one third of a century almost..I ve lived on this earth for so long, consumed so much resources n occupied so much space, yet have nothing to shout about..sone reflection is in due..

Alright my dear cousin is here.. Gonna pass her some cny goodies thenvo backearly to rest.. Cant wait for cny to arrive!! :))

Happy new yr everyone ! HUAT ah!!

Fighting a losing battle

I have a dark secret which is eating me up..Im struggling to break free of it but it's so so hard..
Mentally, I have a thousand n one reasons why I nd to win this battle..but when it comes down to crunch time, I have yet to win a single round..not that I nv put up a fight..
Oh yes, a hell of a fight I put up.. But my efforts have gotten me nowhere except for mass physical destruction..

I'm suffering..and I wish to suffer no more..

It is a secret I can share with no one..

I noe I'm strong..but this is the toughest battle I've ever fought...
Will I be able to do it?

Enough of this nonsense

I had enough of this nonsense! It's always sweet in the beginning but bitter towards the end.
Too much consideration at the start of the relationship n creating false expectations from the other party..laid-back attitude even..whilst I grow inpatient with waiting..
I only have myself to blame. No one else.

No more.

This is the last time.

Omg now I'm even more mad.. Bcos of this, I dropped my iPhone on the floor.. ARGHH!!!!!!!!

Woke up with puffy n swollen eyes..felt slightly better after applying some eye drops..
Nose is also running like a tap..hopefully it ll stop when I reach office.

Has been wearing heels to work lately,albeit on alternate days to allow time for my pampered feet to get accustomed to it. So far so good. Suffered a couple of blisters n had a day of severe aching feet durin the initial phase but stubborn me is not giving up! Part of the reason is bcos I love shoes.. And heels form part of the variety 'shoes' encompasses. During my recent spring cleaning (and shoe stocktaking), Ive found 4 pairs of gorgeous heels which hardly saw the day of light. I cringed at such injust to works of beauty..and thus my new resolution. :)

I've discovered both advantages and disadvantages with wearing heels (must clarify though, they are worn to and fro from work, I slip into flats during work..hee) advantages include instant good posture, fresh air gauranteed in crowded places, pple hear u before they see u..
Disadvantages include Inability to run after bus,train, traffic lights, or even away from a snarling dog :(( it also has repercussions such as being more late than usual due to slower walking speeds :p

But it's worth it :)

Brand new year

My resolutions for 2011:
1) spend time with family - at least 1 family trip, dinner with parents at least 1weekday/week, try not to quarrel with mum or sis
2) focus on work - PT day 2011, research, junior inservices, refine my manip skills, promotion
3) improve my health - eat well, sleep earlier
4) take up dancing lessons (haven decided whether salsa or tango)
5) save at least 20% of my salary
6) listen more, speak less

I can do it! :)

Closure

I finally understood why I haven had much cravings for ramen or jap food..原来每一件事都需要一个完结篇..

Tonight was the first time in my life when i cried together with someone instead of over someone. I felt no anger, no hatred, no regret, no begrudgement.. only sadness. and relief. Relief that i finally could tell you everything that i kept in my heart all these while. Even if the whole world misunderstands me, as long as you know the truth, im contented.

I have never felt that way before. The last hug before you left.. It wasnt a lovers' hug nor a lingering hug. It was a closure hug which we both needed. I could feel your heart-beat during your embrace.. it was as though your heart was sending a moscow-coded message to my broken heart..It was such a sad moment. But despite all the sadness and heaviness, during that instance, i know everything is going to be alright..we will be alright..maybe not today.. maybe not tomorrow or even the week after.. but eventually..

The healing has already begun.

To a beautiful 2011. :)